this is me in the middle of the night

I am sitting here just thinking about life, how before I graduated high school I thought that I was going to go such great places and do such great things, I never knew what those things were but i knew they would be great, I wouldn't have to worry about school anymore , I would have a wonderful job , usually in an expensive apartment in new york, and I would just take random vacations with my super handsome husband whenever I wanted, how did I end up in debt way up to my ears and knowing that the only thing in store for me in the near future(after college) is a whole lot of work to pay off these ridiculous school loans , in high school I always loked forward to the day when I could basically do whatever i wanted and always had the means to do it, now that I'm almost halfway through college , I am realizing the entire monotony of life, it is so boring, there is nothing exciting about getting up and going to work every day, I don't care how much a person like their job, it is just plain boring, and no one every told me that I would have to pick my occupation and stick to getting the degree to do it, I never even thought of what i wanted to do with my life, I was at church and they mentioned bible college and I thought "hey that sounds like a good idea" so I went, not knowing that they would treat me like I'm two , not trusting me with my own finances but looking at what I make then telling me what I am expected to contribute. gosh I might as well stayed at home and let my overprotective mother do that , college is fun , don't get me wrong , I love being there, I would just liek some say in what I do with my money sometimes, life is so disappointing, I don't know how people without God get up in the morning , what do they have to live for??? there is nothing to live for !!! absolutely nothing! I need some kind of goal in my life something to strive for I would like to help children who are less fortunate than others , I don't even know how I am going to do it, no I don't feel "called" to do it , God didn't tell me in some mystical inaudible way, I came to this conclusion for the following reasons 1. I like children 2. I have a compassionate heart 3. it only makes sense that this is what I should do , and i would like to mention that i don't need a man to do it, YES I want to get married I want to with all my heart , more than my heart , if I had to choose between having a place to live, food, and clothing or having a husband, I would pick the husband it is a deep deep yearning in my heart that I cannot explain, but i do not need a husband, i will live without one, I will not wither away and die if I am single , it hasn't happened yet, because I have never not been single, this thing breaks my heart daily when I see other people together with that one, so I would really appreciate it if the topic would stop coming up in family discussions I went to see my dad over the holidays and everything always boiled back down to "looking for the man" or "when you find your man" OH MY GOODNESS I am so sick of the subject right now i could just scream for hrs on end!!!!! **** that is how frustrated I am so this boring circle of life can just leave depressingly and very unhappily single for the rest of my life for all i care ! anyway the reason I am even on here is I'm so bored and I can't sleep for the life of me it's really weird . . . . .well, I really just ran out of things to be upset about so maybe I'll start doing this thing more often as a stress reliever if nothing else, out of curiosity , I'd like to know who took the time to actually read this, so even if you don't have anything to say about it just leave a comment saying you read it it would be interesting. . . ttyl. . . ................................